


I want to be good, am I good

by freakishcats



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: Betrayal, Dark Magic, Good Slytherins, Gryffindor vs. Slytherin Rivalry, Gryffindor/Slytherin Inter-House Relationships, Hermione should be a Slytherin, Secrets, more like goodish, time jumps
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-23 03:14:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30049071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freakishcats/pseuds/freakishcats
Summary: I  was sure of it in that moment. The way her eyes glinted with intent and determination. To the smirk so slight one could barely make it out as she spoke the words. Hermione Granger only wore the mask of a lion, but underneath was a snake just waiting to be unleashed."You should have been a Slytherin."  I said."I want to be good." Hermione said. It was concise and she said it with a certainty as if that explained it all.But there was something else there too. Her voice too firm as if she was forcing herself not to falter. I could not help but wonder if she was not only trying to convince me but also herself.
Relationships: Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger/Fred Weasley, Hermione Granger/Theodore Nott, Lavender Brown/Ron Weasley
Kudos: 4





	I want to be good, am I good

July 8th, 1995

_Maybe I will never be good_. It’s a sad thought that always seems to find its way into my brain. Maybe I will never be what I wish to be. Maybe no matter how hard I try it will always linger over me; I will forever live in its shadow. Because maybe I will always be drawn to power and to certain extent darkness.

Theo always says that if I was not a muggle-born he is certain I would be sorted in Slytherin. And I cannot say I disagree. When I was sorted the hat had said the very same thing. Its words still echo in my brain from time to time. Shame _ you are a muggle-born, Slytherin could lead you to greatness.  _ In fact, I had begged it to put me in Gryffindor because ever since I was a little girl brave and true is always what I wanted to be.

But then mother always said we are who we are. And naturally, I know I am not entirely brave, good, true, or loyal. There are parts of me that are undoubted. However, there are even more parts that are ambitious, determined, prideful, and even cunning when needed. I am naturally intelligent, sure, but people forget the pure dedication it takes to not only be intelligent but be the best. In knowledge, I am miles ahead of everyone. 

I think at night it hits me the most...how easily I had lied in order to get what I desired. Before magic, I had books and goals, but I was ordinary. I was a little girl who was too smart for her own good and got bullied at recess. But with magic I was someone. With magic I was great, I can be the brightest witch of my age if I want. It is with magic that everything finally falls into place. 

I could not give it up. And so when Cedric Diggory died and Harry had declared Voldemort was back I knew I had to make sure the school did not alert my parents. And so Theo had helped me. We came up with a plan, a long shot of one, but somehow it worked.

Theo had told Draco Malfoy that he hoped the school did not alert the parents of muggle-borns that the dark lord was back. He explained that this way they would be right in the face of danger, there would be nothing to save them. Theo had casually mentioned that if he knew someone with influence with the school he would get this plan enacted.

And that’s where Malfoy came in. In the typical Slytherin way, he stole the idea and presented it to his father as his own. And somehow Lucius Malfoy, who was on the board of governors, liked the idea and presented it to them. Although he didn’t present it in such words. Instead, he said it was that he cared about the safety of muggle-borns and their poor muggle parents wouldn’t be able to understand the importance of them returning to Hogwarts. And the rest of the board had been convinced and agreeing. 

And so my parents never got a letter explaining what had gone down at the end of her fourth year. And I most certainly is not planning on telling them anytime soon if I ever did even tell them. And so I went on with her first week of Summer dealing with the guilty and the overwhelming feeling of distance lying to her parents had created. I would not say I regretted keeping the information from them because I knew if they found out I would not be allowed to return to Hogwarts. I simply wished it could be different, that I could tell them without having to worry about that.

It was about a week into her Summer when a surprising letter had arrived. It was Ron inviting me to stay at the Burrow for the Summer. He had said his mother would be sending a letter to his parents as well. In all honesty, I had expected that at some point I would most likely be invited to stay at the Burrow this Summer, I was just expecting it to come much later on. After all, I had only been at home with her parents for a week.

“Do you want to stay with the Weasleys?” my mother asked that afternoon while they were having tea. “I was hoping we would get a little more time with you this Summer. Maybe we could even go on holiday somewhere.” 

It was hard because I could see it was hard for my mother. I knew I hated that I was away all year. And as much as I did want to spend some time with my parents there was just so much of my life they did not understand now, or if they did understand it was only after taking a half hour to explain it to them. With the Weasley’s I could just talk about her life, all parts of it, and they immediately understood.

“I don’t know mum.” I fiddled with her teacup, taking a sip to busy myself. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt her. Lying was already bad enough. And yet I could not pretend to stay with the Weasleys did not make sense. I would get to be around my friends, it would be safer for me and for my parents, and it would get me away from the very source of my guilt.

“I mean I expected the invitation, yes. But not until much later on in the Summer like last year.” I explained to my mother trying to tread lightly and hide my eagerness to go.

“You want to go, don’t you?” I sounded sad when I said it. It was laced with tension as if it was asking more than just if I wanted to go or not. It was built up...it was about me having a part of my life I could not only not be a part of, but would never understand in the slightest.

“As I said, I was expecting it to come later. I thought maybe I would go stay with them the last few weeks of Summer but spend most of the break with you and dad.” I knew I was avoiding the question. I also did not put it past my mum to call me out on it. I liked directness and anything but had a tendency to annoy her.

“That wasn’t my question Hermione!” There it was, “Maybe that’s what you expected but that’s not what happened. Do you want to go now, yes or no?”

I could lie more. I could pretend I did not feel an eagerness in me for getting away from the mundaneness of all that was a muggle. I could pretend I was not dying to get away from the problem I created: the problem of dying with guilt every time I saw my parents knowing I was lying to them.  _ Does that make me a bad person? I wish I could be better. _

“Yes mum,” I said evenly trying to keep my tone neutral. “I want to go stay at the Weasleys.”

....

July 10th, 1995

It was Sunday when my parents and I made our way down to Diagon Alley. The day was cold gloomy, too gloomy. It felt like it mocked me in some odd way. It felt like it mocked the sadness in my relationship with my parents. The new distance that had arisen, the coldness that accompanied every interaction. And despite us bundling up in coats, there was no warmth to be found anywhere.

We met the Weasley’s at the Leaky Cauldron. It was easy to almost immediately spot them even from the entrance. The Weasleys always had a way of drawing eyes to them. They were a tad outlandish in about every aspect of their life. From the red hair just too bright to seem natural, always seeming to shock the eye. To the Ier number of them and all their distinctive, eccentric ways. And most of all it was just the unsolvability of how good they were. Sure, they all had their tempers, but underneath it all, they were all brave, welcoming, and protected on their own.

I felt undeserving of it sometimes. Although Ronald could be a complete ass, he was authentically always there for his friends. And Hermione knew the same could not exactly be said for her. I felt like I was a cleverly concealed snake in a sea of lions most of the time. A girl who could project an image of a hero, but inside would never be more than a coward.

As my parents and I approached the table they were settled around Ginny came running up to me. Before I knew it I was wrapped up in a tight hug by the redhead. It took me a moment to realize what was happening and I just found myself laughing in unexpected, although pleasant, shock. But before long I was embracing Ginny back.

“I’m so excited you're staying this Summer!” I pulled away from the hug. “It will be so great to have another girl in the house. Merlin! It’s only been a week and I’m already fed up with my brothers.”

I smiled back at her also looking forward to the prospect of spending the Summer with Ginny. I imagined all the late nights of indulgent gossip and giggles. I and Ginny made their way to the table the rest of the Weasleys were at with her parents following close behind. It appeared that only Ron and Ginny had decided to join their Mr. and Mrs. Weasley incoming today.

Ron was acting rather awkward, I noticed. He gave me a small smile and a simple hello. I simply mirrored his goofy smile and said a simple hello right back. Mrs Weasley greeted me and my family with her usual warmth and welcoming ways. And Mr Weasley immediately went eagerly asking questions about whatever muggle technology he found interesting at the moment.

“Thank you for having her.” my mother said in all politeness. I knew I was not exactly happy at the idea of me spending the Summer with the Weasleys. Fortunately, however, my dad thought it made sense I wanted to go. After all, according to him, I was a teenager and that’s what teenagers did to spend time with their friends over their parents.    
  
“Of course, we’re happy to have her. Hermione’s such a dear and the kids always love having her over.” Mrs. Weasley smiled lightly. 

“In fact, Ginny and Ron had been practically begging if they could invite Hermione and Harry over from the first day of Summer. The twins even joined in, to some extent at least.” Mr Weasly added jokingly.

It wasn’t long after that Hermione said her goodbyes to her parents for the Summer with long hugs and promises to write at least twice a week. After we all finiId our drinks at the Leaky Cauldron the Weasleys decided we all might as well venture to Diagon Alley. They supposed that since they were here already they might as well run some errands. They had even agreed on much to Ron’s, Ginny’s, and my delight that they would let us go off and venture Diagon Alley on our own as long as we promised to stick together.

…

Hermione wanted to scream. At first, the prospect of getting to go roam around Diagon Alley with her friends seemed fun and exciting. However, I had apparently forgotten who her two friends were and exactly where they would drag her. Ginny and Ron had eagerly dragged me to go look at Quidditch Supplies the moment we were let free. There had perhaps been a few quick promises on Ginny’s part that they would check out Flourish and Bolts later. And for Ron’s part, he had simply declared I was outnumbered: it was two to one.

Hermione could not stand to listen to Ron and Ginny debate with each other about which new broom model was the best for another moment. I found herself wandering off. I was board and half-heartedly eyeing the Ilves for something that might just catch her attention. I eventually found her way to the back of the shop in a sentient Ilf and racks filled with brightly colored quidditch Jerseys.

And somehow there he was...Theodore Nott was reclining against the back wall of the shop, his focus solely on the book in front of him. He obviously didn’t notice her being so focused on whatever he was reading. I briefly glanced at the cover trying to see what it was but couldn’t tell since his hand was covering the title. And in all honesty, I wasn’t quite sure if I was shocked, discouraged, or elated at running into him. 

“Nott.” I said. His name fell out of my mouth almost on its own accord. I supposed the smarter thing might have been to just walk away and leave him be. Especially with Ron, Ginny, and whoever he had presumably came with lurking in the store. But I just could not help myself. It was so rare I ever got to see Theo out of our hidden section of the library or out in our spot on the grounds.

He looked up, appearing a bit startled at seeing me. His muted green eyes widening and his mouth falling open in brief shock. He was silent for a moment. He just looked at it with some sort of discernment as if trying to figure out a puzzle.

“What are you doing here Granger?” He asked in his voice held no malice, but just curious.

“I came with the Weasleys,” I explained planning on telling him I was staying with them for the Summer. Yet upon seeing how his face hardened a bit upon the mention of them I decided against it. I could leave that bit of information out.

“I’m here with Malfoy and Zabini,” he said and I knew my face probably hardened in the same way he had when hearing the Weasley’s mentioned. “I suppose I snuck off on them and came back here to read. I am not the biggest fan of quidditch as you well know.”

I smiled slightly at that forgetting all the earlier tension of me mentioning my friend and he mentioned his. After all, we had an agreement that neither of us would make any negative comments about each other’s friends. That’s how this  _ thing _ , whatever it was, going on for so long.

“Well, I guess I snuck off too. You know they do say great minds think alike.” I said.

“Evidently they do,” he responded and I saw a small smirk break onto his face. Quickly he took his wand out and pointed it to the cover of his book and suddenly it morphed into something. He held it out to me, offering for me to take a look. I took the book and noted that it felt heavy in my hands. My eyes widened in surprise however once I read the title.

“Battling said this book was a bit dark, didn’t he?” I questioned unsure as to why Theo would be reading it. It was a book translated from ancient runes of old magic sacrificial rituals.

“He’s wrong. It’s more than just a bit dark,” he said seemingly completely unbothered that he was dabbling with something dark. But upon seeing me looking concerned he added, “I found it in my family library, Granger. It’s no worse than anything I’ve been reading for my entire life.”

“I wonder where Nott ran off to?” I suddenly heard in the annoying familiar drawl of Draco Malfoy. He sounded close too. I knew that it was my cue to get away from here and meet back up with Ron and Ginny. But as I turned to walk away Theo called, “Wait a second.” I turned around and he gestured again for me to take his book, “Take it. I’ve already read it and you’re the only person I can think who would find it interesting enough to be worth lending it too.”

“Nott, I don’t...it’s not my taste,” I said. I did not want to get involved with dark magic. Although I could not lie there was some part that felt drawn to it. Something deep inside her yearned to get her hands on it. I was curious to see what lied inside those pages. I wanted the forbidden knowledge. I wanted to know I knew something not everybody else did.

“Just take it, alright. You do not even have to read it if you don’t want to. too'' I was still debating in my head what to do when he added, “And waive your wand like this over the cover to disguise it.” As he demonstrated the movement the book disguised itself back to looking like a 5th-year potions book.

“Okay, I’ll take it,” I said finally although my better judgment was screaming at me not to. But I just couldn’t help myself. I was drawn to it and the secrets that lay inside. And so I took the book and stuffed it in my bag feeling a sense of dread. Something told me this would not end well.

“Have a good Summer Hermione,” Theo said, startling me a bit. It was not the first time he had ever called me by my name but generally, we kept to the habit of referring to each other by our surnames.

“I’ll see you when term starts, Theo,” I said repaying the favor. It felt odd to call him that and wrong in a certain way. It felt intimate and friendly. And while certainly was all of those things with Theo this just felt like a whole other level. This felt official and way too much for a Slytherin who was supposed to be my enemy. 

“Assuming you’ll be at our spot in the library that is,” I added because somehow it felt better than leaving it with using each other's names. It felt less meaningful in a way. Like we were just study partners with a passion for learning that nobody besides each other seemed to share.

“I’ll be in the spot Hermione,” Theo said using my name again. And it felt like a punch to the gut. And somehow by the look on Theo’s face, I had a feeling he knew how it was affecting me. I quickly looked away, not being able to handle it.

And so I walked off intent on finding Ron and Ginny. I knew they could not be far from when I left them, it took those ages to look through and debate all the quidditch supplies in the store. But something felt different, like the “dark” book in her bag was weighing her down. Like even if nobody knew there was no proof that I was feeding into the snake inside and I was only wearing the mask of a lion.


End file.
